Tuesday, 21 February 2017

The Secret To Long Lasting Relationships Revealed

While this feels great in the moment, it also creates a tendency for one person to give up parts of him or herself.
It is natural to change as your relationship grows, but sometimes people stop spending time with their friends or family, neglect hobbies they used to participate in wholly or simply stop having alone time.
This can eventually lead to many issues and, potentially, even a breakup. The “giver” may become frustrated with the other person or may feel suffocated while the “receiver” may seem confused by this resentment.
So, how do you avoid this and maintain a healthy relationship with your partner in the long-term?
Interdependence is the key, according to psychology. Basically, this refers to the idea of two people intertwining their lives, but simultaneously ensuring that they maintain their own identity.
They support and build each other up, but are also sufficient on their own. Psych Central offers a great article related to this, and explains the concept in more depth.
So, how do you develop interdependency as a couple without being entirely independent? How do you ensure that you are not becoming co-dependent? Here are some tips for success!

Schedule alone time

Close friends sitting together and laughing
Regardless of whether you and your partner live together or not, you will always need time on your own. It is also important to note that every person is different in regard to what constitutes alone time for them.
Have a conversation about this, discuss your different points of view and figure out how to make them work.
For example, my partner enjoys solitude in his home. I find that even just having a girls’ night out for a few hours, or coffee and writing on my own for an evening is sufficient, and I feel rejuvenated afterwards.
There is nothing wrong with either of these, but we recognize that we are different that way. Accordingly, we make allowances for the other’s needs by having two nights during the week where my partner can be on his own for the evening, and I make plans outside of my home with my girlfriends or on my own.

Plan “date nights” or have activities that you do together

It is important to have time alone, but your relationship will not grow or progress if you do not make time for each other. To make sure you spend adequate time together, first discuss the amount of time you would feel comfortable spending with your partner.
It is normal for one person to want to spend more time together than the other. Do not feel bad about this!
Plan “date nights” in this block of time. Perhaps you enjoy going out for a meal together, so plan to do this on one of the days. Go to a movie, an art gallery or watch a sporting event. If you are on a budget, you can have an at-home movie night, or cook a meal together.
Another alternative is to have certain activities you do together weekly. There may be a weekly television show you enjoy watching together, or you may like hitting the gym or exercising together.
You may also choose to try things with your partner that neither of you have done before. You can take dance lessons or a cooking class together. Studies indicate that by doing so, even in a marriage, you will have a better relationship.

Spend time with each other’s friends and family

Happy family portrait in Santa monica
Alone time is just as crucial as spending time together as a couple, but it is also important that you spend time with the important members of each other’s lives. Sometimes, our friends and family may see things in our partners that we turn a blind eye to.
Perhaps we are in denial about an addiction or anger issue that may be clear to our friends.
This is also part of intertwining your lives with each other. Your friends and family are part of your life for a reason, so, if you are to remain together, you need to make an effort to get to know the important individuals in each other’s lives.
In turn, you should want your friends and family to get to know your partner if you are serious about them.

Maintain your own hobbies

To maintain your identity separate from your partner, it is very important to have your own hobbies. You may enjoy painting or dancing. They may enjoy playing a team sport. Set aside time to do these things on your own, whether in your scheduled alone time or not.
These activities will help you to decompress and feel good about yourself. By maintaining your own hobbies, you are continuing to develop your interests, which will help you as you age.
This will also help to increase your comfort with being alone, which can be a struggle for some people, typically those who are extroverted.
It is vital to take an interest in your partner, but also to look after yourself and your needs. In a healthy relationship, you should feel comfortable expressing what you require in order to be the best version of yourself you can be.
Your partner should never criticize you about this or make you feel bad. If they do this intentionally, perhaps it is time to call it quits.
Communication is very important to establish interdependence, but once you can put this into play, you will find your relationship will blossom and reach potentials you never thought possible.
Do you feel that your relationship is healthy? Have you established interdependence with your partner? How do you maintain your independence while ensuring that you and your partner have time together?

How Can You Avoid Being A Rebound

If you are looking for a fling, being someone’s rebound can be great, but if you are looking for a committed relationship, being someone’s rebound isn’t so great. Fortunately, there are a few ways to avoid it—though, as love goes, nothing is ever set in stone.

What does he want?

Handsome young man in bluejeans sitting on a bench nearby the sea
Most men and women are confused right after the breakup of a long relationship. Saying that they want to move straight into a new relationship doesn’t necessarily mean that they are ready for it.
Nonetheless, you need to ask him. If he already knows that he isn’t looking for something serious, then at least you know that much.

How long was the relationship?

Did he break up with someone he’d been with for a year or two months? Usually, the longer the relationship, the longer he will need to process the breakup. If you are really into him, give him a month to think before you start something.

What are his feelings regarding his ex?

Young happy couple having a coffee break in a pastry shop for some desserts and cappuccino
He might not really know what his feelings are yet, or he might want them to be one thing, while they are another in reality. However, by asking him how he feels about the breakup, you can at the very least try to gauge his thoughts and feelings.
Does he still have feelings for her? Was it a short romance that he thinks ended too soon? Was it a long relationship that left him deeply wounded?
If he seems like he’d want her back, he’s overly confident that he wasn’t hurt or he confesses to being very upset, then he needs time. Even if he likes you, and he might very well like you a lot, he still needs time to process his past relationship and heal.
Otherwise, he will possibly end up in a similar pattern with you, or simply be emotionally unavailable until he’s ready to move on.
What’s more, if the two of them haven’t sorted things out completely, there might be meet ups to do so and, worst case scenario for you, they could get back together if they resolve their issues.

How often does he mention her?

If someone’s just ended a relationship, it’s normal for them to compare you to the other person, think about them and generally process what’s happened. This doesn’t mean that they still have feelings for their ex, but that they are adjusting.
All the same, you might want to keep a check on just how much he talks about her as it does signal that he still thinks about her.

What YOU can do to avoid being the rebound

Cropped shot of a young affectionate couple on a first date
One way to avoid being the rebound is simply to tell him that you’d be happy to see him once a week, but that you want to take things slow. Don’t rush headfirst into a relationship.
If he’s only looking for a shoulder to cry on or a warm blanket to reduce some of the pain of the recent breakup, then he will lose interest pretty quickly if you don’t offer sex, tons of dates and daily emotional pick-me-ups with conversation, cute messages and so forth. Flirt when you see him, but keep it at that.
It’s normal, after a breakup, to feel like there’s a gap in your life and to want to fill it—to find someone else to take to parties, to text, to sleep with, to go on dates with and so forth. By avoiding being that “filler”, you will find out if there’s genuine interest.
Of course, sooner or later, you have to step things up, but give it a month or so of weekly dates and see what happens. In general, this is a pretty good way to avoid falling head over heels with someone you don’t know.
It won’t just protect you from being a rebound, it will protect you from falling for a man you might not like once you get to know him better!
While there are clues as to how “over” someone the man you’ve just met is, the best way of avoid being a rebound is to give him time to leave his past behind him. For the first month or so, only meet up once a week.
Flirt when you see him (if you don’t, you’ll end up in the friends category), but don’t be a girlfriend offering sex, moral support and everything else on a daily basis. If he wants you, he can wait a month.
Just tell him that while you are spontaneous, you like to get to know someone a little bit before getting spontaneous with them. Be fun and playful—just don’t be constantly available.

If He’s Not Doing These Things, He Doesn’t Love You Enough

There are certain things that he should be doing for you or with you that prove his love and if he’s not doing these 10 things you should consider moving on to someone that will.

Calling you beautiful

Photo via unsplash.com
In his eyes you should be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen and he should be voicing that too. Whether he uses the words sexy, stunning, gorgeous or beautiful he should be letting you know how unbelievably attractive you are to him.
He may not do it everyday but the guy that finds you beautiful will make sure to point it out on a regular basis just so you know.

Opening the door for you

Your gentleman should be just that: a gentleman. This isn’t the 50’s or anything, but never underestimate the power of getting the car door opened for you. If he doesn’t do this, he really isn’t putting enough effort in.
He doesn’t have to do it every time you guys leave the house but once in a while, a lady likes her door opened for her and the man that loves you enough will want to do it.

Supporting your dreams

Photo via unsplash.com
Whether your dream in life it to be the successful VP of a small start up or to become a famous actress, he should be supporting it front and centre. That doesn’t just mean leaving you to your own devices to accomplish it either.
He should want to help you achieve your goals in anyway he can, even if it’s just helping you read lines or being your own personal cheerleader.

Hanging out with your friends

He may not be a big fan or your friends, but hell you could not like his too much either. The point is though that he should be able to be amicable with them and go out for a night on the town without it being a huge ‘you owe me for this’ kind of deal.
He should want to get to know your friends because they are a direct reflection of you are.

Making an effort with your family

Photo via unsplash.com
If he always skips out on family dinners and avoids contact with your family as if they were the plague in human form, he just doesn’t love you enough. A guy in love is invested in you to the point where he sees you as his forever and knows that with you comes your family.
He’ll want to attend holiday dinners and all your cousins birthday parties because he’ll want to get to know them just as well as you do. If he really loves you he wants your whole family to accept him as one of their own.

Taking you on dates of your choice

The guy who loves you will let you choose the date sometimes, even if it’s something he wouldn’t be interested in doing otherwise. This may be a compromise on his part but when he has true feelings for it he won’t see it that way.
He’ll see it as something he did that made you happy and that will be good enough for him.

Kissing you daily

" data-medium-file="" data-large-file="" class="size-medium wp-image-83525" src="https://i2.wp.com/youqueen.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/pexels-photo-2-585x390.jpg?resize=550%2C367" alt="Photo" style="margin: 0.75em 0px 5px; padding: 0px; border: 0px none; outline: 0px; font-size: 14px; vertical-align: baseline; background: transparent; max-width: 100%; height: auto;" width="567" height="378">
Photo via pexels.com
This one should be pretty straightforward. If your boyfriend can go days without kissing you than he is far from in love. It’s as simple as that. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you, let alone delay physical contact altogether for a period of time.
If he can do this his attraction just isn’t strong enough to be love.

Supporting you when your down for the count

If you happen to catch a brutal cold and can’t seem to get out of bed for the life of you the guy who truly loves you will help you out. He’ll bring you soup, tea and anything else you need without you having to bug him for it because he truly cares how you’re feeling and wouldn’t want anything more than to see you feel better.

Fighting with you

Photo via pexels.com
This may seem a bit odd but it’s true. If he’s not willing to push you to your limits and challenge you than he doesn’t care enough. If he’d rather not have an argument with you than participate in something that could potentially make your relationship stronger.
Fighting in a relationship can be healthy and it really shows that a person cares enough to have the tough conversations.

Respecting you

This one is self-explanatory. If he is disrespectful or abusive to you in any way this guy doesn’t love you. He probably won’t ever love you and you should just go on ahead and get out of the relationship now.

Why Do Guys Continue To Text If They’re Not Interested

Some men do a disappearing act all of a sudden, which is annoying, but at least you know they’re gone. Others keep texting, but you feel things are going nowhere and are pretty sure they’re not that into you. So why do they keep texting?

They think they’re polite

Cropped shot view of hipster guy reading text message on cell telephone while sitting outdoors in summer season
Some men have got it into their heads that it’s impolite to tell a woman that they don’t want to date her. They are scared of hurting her feelings. While they understand that the moment must come when they do tell her that they have no feelings for her, they are dragging their heels with it.
Sometimes, they hope that you will stop texting them—perhaps if they are evasive enough, you’ll get the hint and stop texting without them having to say something hurtful like they don’t want to see you.
You might think it kinder if they’d just tell it as it is, but some men simply feel so bad doing that that it makes it hard for them. Some also really hope that if they are evasive, you will lose interest and you’ll both be happy.


Discover His Secret Obsession

Learn about his Secret Obsession and make any man completely addicted to you… [continued here]

They’re cowards

As opposed to being terrified of hurting you, they simply can’t handle confrontation of any kind, or the kind that involves a woman. In short, they’re cowards.

They don’t know how to break it off

Some men have absolutely no experience in breaking things off with a woman. Maybe the woman before you left; maybe they’ve had longer relationships, but not done much dating so they’ve never had to break things off.
Whatever the reason, they don’t know how to do it because they’ve never done it before. And, instead of just doing it one way or another, they avoid it as they are so unsure of how to do it.

They want to be friends

Some men don’t want to date you, but they do want to be friends with you. They see you as a great buddy already, or a potential buddy, so they keep up the texting even though they avoid flirting.

They just want to flirt

Confident bearded man holding in and mobile phone while standing near street wall in sunny summer evening
Some men love flirting via text even if they have no intention of taking it further than that. Or, maybe they’re interested in a fling, but not seriously interested in anything more. They think it’s fun to flirt with you and they want to continue doing so—that’s why they don’t stop texting you.
This can be because they are the kind of guy who likes to have a crowd of women around them, they simply adore female attention and women in general or they get so little attention that any attention they get, they want to keep.
The latter is pretty rare, though; chances are he’s just a womanizer and, in his way, he adores you and the rest of the female population even if he isn’t interested in a relationship. He’s lukewarm and wants to keep things lukewarm.

They aren’t sure

Maybe this guy isn’t that into you, but he’s not sure yet. He could still be nursing feelings for his ex, or he could feel like he’s in a position where maybe he shouldn’t have a girlfriend (he’s about to leave town for another job, or college, or he’s too busy at the moment or going through something).
This means that he has a certain level of interest, but doesn’t think it quite right to go for it. He doesn’t want to let go, but he also doesn’t want to get too involved.

They want a backup

He’s not that into you right now as he’s flirting with someone else he met first, BUT he’d like a backup if things don’t work out with the other woman. Maybe he isn’t sure about the first one, but he wants to explore it before he goes further with you.
Some men also don’t like being alone; it’s like they need a black book as thick as the yellow pages to be sure they always have someone to turn to. It sounds cruel, but they might not even think about this as they’ve never wanted something serious. They think it’s perfectly clear that they’re just a flirt.
There’s a plethora of reasons why a man might keep texting you even if he’s not that into you. However, it’s not the reason always that matters the most, but finding out whether he is interested or not.
Women sometimes get stuck analyzing things. Try to meet up for a date to find out instead. After a while, you will need to have “the talk” anyway. Hopefully, things just flow so that you feel like you really know he’s into you, but if they don’t, you need to ask sooner or later.
And remember not to make assumptions: one thing I have learned is that things are not always as they seem. Some men are also a lot better at flirting and seem a lot more into you than the ones who are, even if they might be the ones more interested. When in doubt, ask in a friendly manner or find your answers

These Are The Reasons Why Women Cheat

“I can’t believe she would do that.” “They seemed so happy!” “What was she thinking?”
These are all things commonly heard when someone finds out someone close to them has been unfaithful to their spouse. The act of cheating is very hard for people to wrap their minds around.
Long-term relationships, while wonderful and rewarding in many ways, take effort in multiple areas of intimacy from both partners: emotional, physical and intellectual.
Cheating is typically seen as being due to a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship; however, researchers are finding that this is not the case.
Cheating is also often seen as being typical of males, but statistics suggest that the number of women who are unfaithful in relationships is also significant.
In 2015, The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that 14% of women cheated on their spouse at least once in the span of their marriage compared to 22% of men.
Esther Perel, a psychotherapist specializing in the area of relationships, suggests that this is due to society’s perception of relationships in modern times.
She writes, “Formerly, matrimony was about economic sustenance, partnership, companionship, social status and children…today…Spouses are supposed to be confidantes, friends and passionate lovers.
There is an expectation that one person will provide what an entire community used to offer. And, for the first time in history, we have linked marital happiness to sexual satisfaction.”
So, what is causing this unfaithfulness, especially among women? Several reasons why women cheat have been defined, seven of which are discussed here.

1. Lack of communication

problems in a relationship
Communication plays a big role in relationships, and when one partner does not reciprocate, it can have devastating consequences. Men are much more visual than women, whereas women are more verbal. Spoken communication helps to build emotional intimacy, which is crucial for a long-term relationship.
When verbal communication isn’t present, it can lead to feelings of disrespect, frustration and, should it persist, a sense of apathy towards the other person. Women may turn to other sources who they have established this emotional intimacy with to fill this void.


Discover His Secret Obsession

Learn about his Secret Obsession and make any man completely addicted to you… [continued here]

2. No emotional intimacy

Emotional intimacy involves not only verbal communication, but also non-sexual physical touch (e.g. hugging, holding hands). The required level of this varies from person to person, but the combination of the two is vital for a relationship’s success.
Oxytocin, a natural neurochemical, is released when touching or kissing is present in a relationship. This is an evolutionary development to ensure bonding can occur between two people.
If a man is only engaging in sexual physical touch, a woman will begin to feel used and like her partner is interested in her only for sex. Consciously or subconsciously, she may begin to seek out other avenues where she feels cared for based on other merits.

3. Feeling disrespected or unappreciated

unhappy wife
These can result from a lack of the first two factors, but can also be blatant. If a man never thanks his partner or acknowledges her in a positive way, or tries to blame her for every problem that occurs in the course of the relationship, this will cause problems long term.
If a woman tries to express what she is feeling and her partner minimizes her feelings or is openly rude towards her, this will also create an issue.
Over time, these types of actions will erode the stability of the relationships and will create anger towards the offending party.

4. Abuse

Abuse, whether physical, emotional or verbal is detrimental to a relationship. It isn’t always easy to spot when this is occurring.
Depending on the severity, typically with emotional and verbal abuse, women can tire of the undeserved negativity being taken out on them.
Whether through counseling, friends or life changes, she may realize that she deserves better and may meet someone who treats her “right” while still being in her abusive situation. This can lead to infidelity.

5. Lack of time together

sexy woman using smartphone
If you are not actively making time to nurture your relationship together, or the only time you spend together is watching television or on your Smartphone, your relationship will begin to erode.
Feelings of being underappreciated, drifting apart or simply not having that connection can cause one to look elsewhere to gain a viable connection. Not making time for each other is a fast-track to a partner cheating.

6. Addictions

Addiction, whether gambling, pornography, drugs or alcohol, is an all-consuming disease. When a person is in the throes of this, obtaining and sustaining their high is the most important thing to them. They will choose that over anything, including partners and children.
Partners with addictions have issues that need resolving and, at that time, do not have the capacity to sustain a long-term relationship without gaining control over their addiction.
The sober partner can begin to feel frustrated in many ways. Their emotional needs are not met, financial issues frequently result and they may reach a level of “burnout” from having to deal with this on a daily basis.
They may also be angry that their partner is not seeking help and trying to get better. This can lead to cheating, especially if they have been together for a longer period of time.

7. Looking for a way out

woman cheating
Cheating may also be a conscious or subconscious way of gaining a way out of a relationship, particularly if the other partner does not want to terminate the relationship or other methods of help are not sufficient in bettering their relationship.
This is not an exhaustive list, and every scenario is different. With that said, these are some of the more common reasons for women cheating on their partners.
What are your thoughts? Any comments? Have any of you cheated on your partner before, and what were your reasons for doing so?